When People Leave: The Real Pain of Church Decline

I was recently asked by Cyclical colleague, Brendan McClenahan, “What keeps you up at night?” We were trying to come up with a list of potential topics to write on for this blog. For a moment, I tried to put myself in the shoes of other pastors (which is easy to do, since I am one), and listed off a number of things that I believe keep us pastors up at night. But then it occurred to me–the night before Brendan asked me this question, I had experienced a near sleepless night. Sleepless nights are extremely rare for me as I have always been a great sleeper. But in these strange times, I, like many other pastors, have literally been losing sleep. Why?

This particular sleepless night was a relentless attack of neurons firing in my brain that I felt completely powerless to control. Nothing that I tried doing to disrupt the cycle worked. The reason for my sleepless night was that my brain kept thinking, bringing to mind, over and over, all the people that used to be a part of our church pre-pandemic and who, for one reason or another, had drifted away.

I wasn’t dreaming–I was wide awake. Perhaps the fact that all these people really were gone from our church made it worse than a nightmare. It was shocking to me just how much this hurt me. After finally getting some sleep, I woke up obviously tired and wondering what had hit me. When someone leaves one of our churches, we as leaders experience a profound sense of loss. And that loss is very personal to us.

Making it Personal

When someone leaves your church, it feels like you have been stabbed in the back. During Covid, we were fortunate to have a new online visitor join us for Zoom worship services. She seemed like a perfect fit with us and had even undergone some theological deconstruction work. She was with us for about 6 months on Zoom before we re-opened for gathered worship in-person, at which point I was glad to see her begin to come to in-person activities. But, to be honest, we weren’t the same church that we were pre-pandemic. Although she showed up sparingly, she never got engaged and eventually left. I did everything I knew to make her feel welcomed and I reached out multiple times personally to see how she was doing. After a month of noticeable absence, she told me that she had been busy and that’s why we hadn’t seen her.  A few days later, I found out from someone else that she had found another church home.

I am very happy that she has found a church home that suits her well, but it does nothing to alleviate the painful aspect that she didn’t (or couldn’t) tell me the truth that she was leaving. These kinds of losses are more than losses for the church. They feel like betrayal and personal failure.

5 Reasons That Pastors Are Deeply Hurt When People Leave Their Church

Thom Rainer, the CEO and founder of Church Answers and author of Anatomy of a Revived Church, lists 5 reasons why many pastors hurt so deeply when people leave their church.

1. We worry they left because of something that we did

A pastor might ask, What did I do to cause them to leave? What don’t they like about me anymore?

2. We are watching our friendship circles shrinking

As pastors, we have cared for them and often consider them as friends. Their departure often leaves the pastor with feelings of grief and questioning.

3. We have invested a lot of time into these relationships

We have often invested a lot of time in a family and been there for them in their time of need.

4. The whole church has experienced the loss

Other church members also feel the pain when someone leaves and the pastor often carries a heavy burden for the morale of the whole congregation.

5. We fear that others may follow

Rainer says that this issue is largely unspoken among pastors but that the departure of a church member is “no small thing to a pastor. It is personal, painful, and can even lead to depression.”

Healthy Ways to Move Forward

There are, however, ways to deal with these losses. Instead of losing sleep, although that may be inevitable, there are steps we can take as leaders to work through the pain of a dwindling congregation. Remember that you and I are not alone. Through Full Circle, we are guiding hundreds of pastors who are experiencing this type of loss. I’ve been learning from them that there are more healthy ways of dealing with people leaving your church. Here are the best pieces of wisdom I’ve been picking up:

Find Appropriate Ways To Grieve and Process Our Loss

So many Christian leaders feel alone in their grief when people walk away from church.  Often they don’t know where to turn for help. Who are the trusted people in your life that you can share your pain with?  Trusted friends, colleagues, therapist or spiritual director. Personally I experienced some healing when I was finally able to share my struggles with a trusted group of friends who could empathize with me. I realized that I wasn’t alone. 

Practice Forgiveness

After I began to process these losses with trusted friends, I realized that I was still harboring some bitterness of being lied to and feeling betrayed.  I was struggling to move forward. I needed to be reminded of Jesus’ way. Ephesians 4:32 gently shows us the way, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, as God in Christ, forgave you.”

Focus On the Future

I came to learn that looking backwards has not helped me to discover hopeful pathways that might lead to a healthier and more vital future for our church. I discerned that it was no longer time to focus my energies on getting people to come back, but rather focus my energies on all the new things that God might be doing, the new vision for a hopeful future and the new people that God might dare to bring to our church. 

God has brought some transformation and healing as I have found ways to process what I was going through, practice forgiveness, and turn my focus toward the future.  My energy levels are up, my motivation is returning, my hope is being restored, and yes, my sleep is even improving!

Reflection

1. How have you experienced the pain of people leaving your church?
2. Which of the five reasons listed by Thom Rainer are most painful to you? Why?
3. What has helped you deal with the pain of loss when people leave your church?
4. Does your church have a hopeful vision for the future?  If so, what is it?